On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
