Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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