A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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