im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
