GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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