Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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