somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
