I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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