My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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