Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
