I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize