My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
