come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
