when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
