i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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