all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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