I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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