I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
