i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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