Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize