I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
did i walk over a car last night?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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