the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
