It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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