I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
