I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
