They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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