I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize