Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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