she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
