dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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