Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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