I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize