I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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