Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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