when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
