but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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