Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
