So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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