new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
