he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
