I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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