I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
