you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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