I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
