I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
