My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
