I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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