Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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