She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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