Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
