last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
