you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
