Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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