i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
