I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So vagazzling was a success
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