Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
