I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
