I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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