I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize