She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
