alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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