I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
