I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
