atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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