fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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