I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
