I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
