dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You left your phone here
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